Of Perverts, Prophets and Posts
After the New Year’s Eve revelry, the hangover. After the pre-holiday excitement of posting to my first blog, the post-holiday realization that it’s already time to post again. Doh!
Not that posting is comparable to a hangover…
It’s actually exciting because I don’t have a pre-determined plan for what I’m going to write about each time. It’s almost as new to me as it is to you! The subject might be whatever is the pressing thought of the day. The problem is, I have many pressing thoughts each day. And just as with most of us, I also have to juggle and attempt to balance my time – making room for job, relationships, household chores, writing Licking the Spoon (my book in progress that has spawned this blog), and now posting to the blog itself; and that’s the short list!
A friend who read my first post commented on the wide range of topics that I mentioned I might blog about. All he knew about the book was that it has to do with food, sex and relationship. No doubt he was surprised to see things such as brain chemistry, nature, health and more included. It got me thinking about how I came to have the interests that I have, and whether there is a cohesion that intricately weaves them together. (There is.)
So first, my interest in sex: I’ve had it for just about as long as I can remember. I’ve told friends the story, repeated fondly by some, of a pivotal event that took place in my life at the age of four. My mom, visiting friends, happened to look out the window into the front yard just in time to see me pulling down my pants before a couple of neighborhood boys. Aack!
(Immature homo sapiens attempting to engage in sex rehearsal play, an educational quest observed in many species)
They were close to me in age, and there was no coercion involved; they simply asked, and I acquiesced. They were curious, and I apparently enjoyed their attention. But imagine the shock for my poor mom! Raised by a Victorian mother, she had turned out to be a bit of a ‘bad girl’ for awhile herself and was probably horrified to imagine her innocent little one going down that same path.
(A chile pepper, the ‘fruit’ of the plant, is actually the plant’s ovary. How it affects human sex organs is discussed in Chapter 7 of Licking the Spoon – along with a recipe for Red Hot Mama Chili!)
Well, as she spanked me (a behavior I don’t condone, by the way – except between consenting adults), with each whack she shrieked, “Are you going to do that again?!?” I suppose it was the shape of things to come that, each time, I defiantly shouted, “YES!!!”
As it turned out, I was prophetic – though I’m a little more careful about who I pull my pants down for these days. But I mark that as the beginning of a lifetime of fearless and thrilling travel onto the high seas of sex.
Alas, my mother was not so excited about my chosen path. In fact, it may have been only shortly afterward that a book titled Female Sex Perversion appeared on her bookshelf.
That’s hilarious. I like how you teased us of what’s to come in chapter 7!
Thanks for the support, Val. And oh yes, there is plenty of teasing to come! 🙂
As prophet, professor, and confessor – You are inspirational. This is great!
Thanks for your confidence in me, Vena Blanchard – I suppose if one has lived a bit, there is plenty to confess! And I don’t mean the shame-filled kind of confession that takes place behind a dark curtain. I mean the joyous kind the celebrates our lives and loves and shouts YES!
Loved the post. It’s so candid and charming, and shouting “YES!!!” made me smile ear-to-ear. The story reminds me of my first view of female genitalia, which happened about the same age ~4-5. An older (maybe 9) neighbor girl invited her brother and I to play doctor with her. This was in Canada and the neighborhood had huge, unkempt, backyards with tall weeds. So out we went, the three of us, to find a secluded place. She lay down on her back, lifter her skirt, and removed her panties. I was astounded and felt warm all over. The lingering memory is the feeling of the excitement with seeing and touching something personal, secret, and private.
Rick (long-time friend of V)
Thanks for taking the time to comment, Rick. It’s sad that so many parents are afraid of their children’s sexuality, and viewing such an event would probably throw them into paroxysms of horror (like my poor mom). When in reality, it’s as natural as the dandelion puffs you probably made wishes on afterward. So if I made you reminisce about that lovely long-ago day, I’m glad.
Thank you Lynda for the reply. I like the idea of your blog. It’s a great place to share.
In fact, I’ll share this revelation: I’ve just learned a rather interesting fact from the California Department of Public Health. Public Health Clinics (Centers) do not do free blood tests for HSV-2 (the antibody test). They only do active (outbreak) testing. Furthermore, they stopped doing all free HSV-2 testing for people over 55 years of age.
Evidently, this STD service is to be provided by private enterprise or not at all. So I reached out to Lab West which does active and blood tests for HSV-2. I found they are happy to take $90 dollars over the internet or by telephone for an appointment. However, it is nearly impossible to get information on-line or by telephone about the type of blood test or much of anything else. This is despite the fact they (Lab West information line) have you wait for a ‘counselor’ who is supposed to respond when you select that option.
I could draw this conclusion: With regard to HSV-1 and HSV-2, the state of California has dropped back (or not progressed in) 40 years with its approach to STDs and the extended sexuality of its aging population. And Lab West cannot afford counselors or additional phone lines despite the income they should garner with the State’s position on blood testing and aging sexuality.
Not to defend the situation, Rick, but perhaps to round it out a little: STD screening tests are most useful 1) when the identification of new cases of a particularly virulent disease might reduce its spread, and 2) when they are performed within the most at-risk populations. HSV-1 (usually seen as cold sores) is so common that more than 90% of the US population already has it. HSV-2 (usually seen as genital blisters), while less common, is still not considered particularly virulent except to a pregnant woman’s fetus during delivery. And those over 55 are generally considered to be less sexually active. All reasons why such screenings would be treated as low priority in a time of economic cutbacks (which, as you probably know, hit health and education particularly hard). Sad but true.
Hi there,
Funny story I imagine many of us have a similar story. Mine occurred about the same age I think.
Considering that we’ve both gone into sex education, I bet we have quite a few stories in common! 🙂
I’m not sure whom I am responding too (Ena or Lynda). However, I’m glad you enjoyed my story. At the age of five or six—can’t remember which—t represents to me an early and vivid awareness of male-female sexuality. Perhaps a drawback has been the resultant over-stimulation (sometimes referred to as chemistry) confusion for me in and out of relationships. At age 65, I’m beginning to understand the real value of (need for) companionship, friendship, and fellowship to be on par with romance and sexuality. Some of us are just a little slower than others.
Very interesting post. Your mind seems to be very creative professor Hoggan. I can only wish it would be this easy for me to write a blog.
That’s too funny lol
Glad you enjoyed it, Jackie!
Glad I could make you laugh!
I love the way you write it puts a huge smile on my face. It is sad though that even adults often choose the wrong methods in handling uncomfortable situation. Spanking ones child is definitely not the right solution. We are humans and curios about everything
Your childhood stories leave a smile on my face! I do not have quite as many stories like this from my childhood, but it is nice to know what to expect if my children ever do things like this. At least now I know there is a good reason behind all of these behaviors AND that they are normal 🙂
It’s really helpful if parents do know what’s ‘normal,’ but unfortunately, many of them don’t.
Haha I love it! Your posts are always sweet and to the point, but they never fail to put a smile on my face! =D
I’m glad they make you happy!
This article’s pretty funny, gave me my first laugh of the morning.
I do aim for humor in most of these posts, thank you!
haha! I know it’s extremely stressful growing up with a victorian mother…but the way you depict it is hilarious : )
The sad thing was that my mom wanted to do a better job than her mom had, but we are often so imprisoned by our own history.
How funny!
I also do not condone spanking. My father used to whip me with a leather belt on my back. He was emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive. He’d whip me over mundane things. His favorite reason to whip me was after he had an argument with someone – anyone. Often, my father would get in arguments with my mother, then call me downstairs and take his frustrations out on me. It is so traumatized and damaging to a child when they are physically punished. I tend to look on the bright side of things.. at least I know how not to raise my children!
Exactly right, and many studies back you up. I’m so sorry that happened to you. 🙁
Funny article and not a big fan of spanking it brings back memories of when I was younger.
Science shows that it is not a healthy way to discipline.
I admire writers such as yourself. I hope you find much success out of your book and the topics do sound interesting. When I read this blog I first thought why would a four year old be by herself, but then again different eras present the grand independence of children at such a young age. That stood out to me because I grew up with my mother constantly their in my presence, at four years old I would have had to always stay with her. Then I thought to myself that pulling down pants is not bad at all because what does a four year old know? Kids at that age are so curious and because I am a mother, all my son does is wear his underwear around the house only. My son is a little kid but he got into the habit that as soon as we would walk into our house, he would strip down to his underwear (no matter how cold it is outside).
Funny story! I enjoyed reading it. I don’t know why but It reminded me of when I was 4 or 5 years old, and I told my mother that I wanted to wear a thong! She just smiled and laughed.
That’s cute! I’m glad you enjoyed the story.
This is such a funny story! I really enjoy reading all your blogs they’re both entertaining and educational.(:
And that’s what I intended them to be, so I’m glad I hit the mark! Thank you.
Super cute & funny! Your writing is so vivid that i can totally see it play out as I’m reading.
Im not much of a writer(As you can tell) but reading your stories sure make me want to try. Thanks again for sharing and look forward to reading more of your blogs. =)
I think the trick is picking an experience or anecdote that you think others could relate to, and then just writing it as clearly as you can. Doesn’t hurt to try! Thanks for reading.
Are you telling me that you can just sit down and write? Words just come to you when you want to post on your blog? That can’t be it. Don’t you at least procrastinate by watching cat videos on YouTube for a while first? Also, how can you remember what happened when you were four when I can’t even remember what happened at 4 o’clock? It’s not fair! lol Kudos on both your memory and your writing ability. However, I can’t condone pulling your pants down on the street for people that ask you. That should only be done for money in a “gentlemen’s club”.
What can I say, I have a great memory! And yes, I can just sit down and write. I think that’s because I don’t censor. I just let the pen (OK, no, my fingers on the keyboard now) start going and don’t worry about where they go – till later. Then I edit. Hey, I’ve gotten a lot of mileage out of that de-pantsing story! LOL Don’t censor yourself – just let it flow. One of the conferences I attended had a motto: Write more. Suck less. I loved it!
Your childhood stories are very funny and interesting! Thank you for sharing your funny stories. I was entertained.
Thank you! I discovered I have a humorous voice at times by writing this blog.